BREAKING THE RULES:

THE COST OF INFIDELITY

The majority of those surveyed implored us to publish the results. Many felt it was important to break the silence and report on this subject. As we compiled the data, we discovered one important thing: intimacy is very important in the community. We want it. We demand it. And, many times we look for it outside of marriage. If needs are not met at home, they are met elsewhere. Infidelity impacts the stability of the family and the home. But it does not affect it in the same way it does to other cultures.

Most relationships in our culture do not end in divorce. Many indiscretions are never challenged. Most do not make it out of the four walls of the seemingly happy home.

In the Middle East, everyone knows your business and the gossip spreads quickly. In the giant ocean of the United States, trouble can be found around every corner and never boomerang back.

Men are known for their love of sex. They have protected their territory with so much pride and became ego makers themselves. Women generally put the needs of their family and husbands before their own. However, some indicate that their needs must be fulfilled at some point. If these needs are not met at home, eventually - almost 20% indicate they would seek affection outside their homes.

The survey claims that men cheat in general as it is a part of their physical make up and what they are taught and shown growing up. They simply cannot be without it.

“I didn’t feel loved.”

Women typically cheat because they feel neglected due to lack of intimacy or attention. Occasionally, they bridge this neglect by seeking it from the outside. Men look for excitement, adventure and, above all, wild sex. How do you break the cycle?

“Everyone cheats. Open your eyes.”

There is a mythology about infidelity that shows up in nearly every
conversation about the subject: Everybody is unfaithful; it is normal, expectable behavior. We don’t know how many people are unfaithful. However, many studies guess that one-half of married men and one-third of married women have committed adultery away from home at least once. That’s a lot of infidelity.

Still, most people expect and demand fidelity. Without the expectation of fidelity, intimacy becomes awkward and marriage confrontational. People who expect their partner to betray them are likely to beat them to the draw, and make both of them miserable in the meantime.

Contrary to some maverick studies, humans are monogamous by nature. The problem it seems is that we can be trained out of it. Fathers tell their sons of their past conquests and encourage the same. Mothers are afraid to educate their daughters about romance, intimacy, and sex leaving them unprepared for marriage and relationships.

“I NEVER KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS.”

Many do not communicate about important matters and as a result we can feel like we are living with a stranger when it comes to the most basic relationship matters. Most agree that the most critical factors in a partnership are communication, money matters and intimacy. If one is thrown out of balance, the others suffer.

There is also a common belief that people have affairs because they aren’t in love with their significant other. On closer examination it usually turns out that the marriage was fine before the affair happened, and the decision that they were not in love with their significant other was an effort to explain and justify the affair.

Being in love does not protect you from lust. Cheating on your loved one is not a very loving thing to do. Each marriage is thick with emotions ranging from lust to disgust, desperate love to rage. It is ridiculous to reduce such a wonderfully rich emotional diet to a question (“love me or love me not?”). Nonetheless, people do ask themselves such questions, and they answer them, often incorrectly.

“I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE.”

Falling out of love is no reason to betray your mate. One marriage partner can make the other miserable, but can’t make the other unfaithful. A marriage requires attention in the same manner a plant needs water. When you provide the prerequisite food and water, it flourishes and blooms.

“I THOUGHT IF I IGNORED THE AFFAIR, THAT IT WOULD GO AWAY.”

Silence fuels the affair, which can thrive only in secrecy. Adulterous marriages begin their repair only when the secret is out in the open, and the infidel does not need to hide any longer.

One man was in the habit of working out each morning, but his wife noticed that his clothes had stopped smelling. Suspicious, she followed him to his intern’s apartment. She burst in and confronted her husband who was standing naked in the intern’s closet. She demanded: “What are you doing here?” He responded: “You do not see me here. You have gone crazy and are imagining this.” She almost believed him, and remains to this day angrier about that than about the affair itself. Once an affair is known or even suspected, there is no safety in denial, but there is hope in admission.

Many speak of their relationships and complain. Women are never satisfied or happy with what their husband has to offer and men never forget their desperate inspiration for more sex. These are cultural myths, perpetuated by our parents and the community.

“I feel trapped. Divorce is not allowed.”

The feeling, “it doesn’t matter, my culture does not accept divorce” shouldn’t allow the affairs to occur and continue unchecked. Communication and therapy can save an adulterous marriage. This may result in a more intimate and stronger marriage than before the affair. Ignoring it or feeling trapped will only prolong the problem. There is room to correct the infidelity.

“I FEEL ASHAMED TO TALK ABOUT MY NEEDS. I WAS TAUGHT NOT TO DISCUSS IT.”

Many men report that they are blind to the needs of their wives. Many are simply not comfortable discussing their sexual desires. 60% of the women indicate that their needs are not met, mostly due to their own unwillingness to share their inner most thoughts. As a result, husbands do not provide what is wanted.

Satisfaction in the bedroom can often determine how long fidelity remains. Women need more time to reach their highest stage of passion and desire. If men ignore their wife’s needs and wants, she might live a lifetime without knowing complete sexual happiness. If inadequacies set in, it can cause women to become very weak to the temptations of another man who knows how to play on the right nerve. The same applies to men when he realizes that his partner is not being creative enough and is not open to trying new bedroom situations.

“SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT THE KIDS. NOT ME AND NOT EVEN HERSELF.”

It is universally agreed that Middle Eastern men work extremely hard for their children and families. 60-70 hour work weeks are commonplace. Many men express their dissatisfaction that their wives often ignore their appearance and spouse and place all of their attention to daily child care.

“I come home and her hair is crazy and she is still in sweat pants,” says one of those surveyed. “Although dinner is ready, she can barely manage a full sentence towards me. After a while, I wonder if I would be missed.”
Many husbands also report that their wives have their spa days, but that their spa day would be an intimate evening with their wife.

Indeed, 68% of men rate “us time” as a critical element to maintain a highly rewarding marriage.

“WE DON’T HAVE COMMON INTERESTS ANYMORE.”

45% of respondents told us that they cheated while participating in hobbies and recreations they once shared with their spouses.

Many used to watch the game with their husbands or go shopping with their wives. Now they do those activities separately leaving the door open for another to enter the relationship. Devoting one afternoon per month to sharing these hobbies can invigorate your marriage, often strengthening the bond and opening the lines of communication.

“The best way to ensure your marriage is safe,” says Scott Stanley, Ph.D., “is to maintain your friendship. A lot of times, what men miss most is the time they spend just hanging out with their wives.

“That’s why so many affairs begin as friendships — it’s that intimacy a man is looking for.”

How do you protect your marriage from outside influences?

Talk often. Find out what is troubling each other, encourage each other to share your feelings and discuss yours as well. Keep your sex life active, and talk often about what you both want and need in bed. Healthy intimacy strengthens the marital bond so it can reach its highest level.

Take a few hours to read Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships by David Schnarch. The book guides couples through these common relationship dilemmas.

Be supportive of any healthy ways in which your significant other may seek to reinvent themselves in midlife; whether it’s training for a marathon, switching careers or the popular ‘nip and tuck.’

It may be vain or expensive, but it also may keep them feeling so good about themselves that they don’t have to look for an ego boost elsewhere.

Infidelity has serious consequences including broken homes and the weakened mental health of the children involved. The price is high, so consider the cost before breaking the rules.