Upholding family traditions has long been an important element in considering a successful marriage. But, now the old world views on single culture marriages are changing. Of the 4,239 people participating in our Intercultural Marriage Survey–including a special roundtable discussion at ACCESS Anaheim–more than 73 percent said they supported the idea of marrying outside of their immediate culture. With an overwhelming majority in favor of this new view of marriage, why do so many couples still face so much turmoil, intimidation and the ultimate threat of being ostracized by friends and family?

Of Love and Marriage

Guess who’s coming to dinner just took on A new meaning!

It wasn’t long ago that the expression “intercultural marriage” was virtually non-existent in different communities. Not so today. Now such marriages are openly discussed, and to demonstrate the new thinking, we’ve gathered some real-life personal stories from across the country.

It is no longer all about finding someone from your original hometown, same country of origin, or even similar background. Diversity is in, and the younger generation is placing love and compatibility above cultural and social concerns. To be sure, there are still plenty of marriages that follow conventional wisdom and protocol. But make no mistake, intercultural love and marriage are touching the lives of everyone in the community.

Experts universally agree that a primary factor behind the increase can be summed up in a single word: opportunity (census sidebar page 26).

“More and more I am meeting and talking with people who tell me they are dating and marrying away from what their families consider traditional,” says Khalid Kester, a psychologist and authority on cultural and ethnic issues. “Each person has unique, personal reasons for his or her decision, but opportunity certainly seems to be a major factor. Only recently have those in the community expressed their freedom to enter into intercultural relationships. Consequently, they’re interacting with diverse cultural segments as peers and equals. Often such interaction leads to a kind of chemistry that just doesn’t notice barriers of culture.”

That chemistry certainly worked for Geena, a Lebanese woman, when she met her English boyfriend Arthur “When we met we fell in love,” says Geena. “You will never know where you can find love. Sometimes it’s about the compatibility; our family will have to get use to it. Problems exist everywhere in all relations, no matter who you are, but you have to be patient to get over it.”

What is the family reaction to intercultural marriage?

88% of surveys stated that families create problems when intercultural proposals of marriage are presented. Each family reacts to their children’s choice differently but most accept the reality because of the family bond that Middle Eastern families usually embrace. “After the initial shock, families accept the marriage,“ Lebanese born Silvana says. “Take my cousins for example. A few married Americans, one to a Cuban, one to an Indian and one to a Greek. All are of Armenian decent, second generation. Expanding personal knowledge of different cultures is invaluable, i.e., different cultural etiquette, food, customs, beliefs, traditions etc. It allows you to grow and expand your own mind by opening up to others. It enriches your life to know with all the ‘surface’ differences we’re all human after all; all God’s creation and that’s what we should teach and pass to our youth and children. It’s a rich experience to have intercultural exposure but to have that in one’s family tree is truly a special treat as long as you accept the differences and not deal with it as if it’s a conflict that can be fixed after marriage.”

Other survey respondents including Jacci, Ghada and Nabil, said their family needs to live with their romantic commitments to outsiders in part because they are capable of separating the person from his background. Many others, however, cannot. Given that legacy, some consider intercultural couples the ultimate disloyalty. “Now that I am married to Steven,” acknowledges Sana, “I see this in the eyes of the community. They look at me differently now. They don’t actually say anything, but there’s these looks that say, ‘Why did you marry him?’”

Like Sana, Nasser has also experienced first-hand the sting of public disapproval. “Catherine [his wife] and I got a very bad reaction,” he recalls. “There were a lot of stares and comments. But those who know us as a couple understand that you cannot choose who you fall in love with. It’s all about finding the right fit and beliefs. I did not need to search exclusively in my own community to find that fit.”

Rudeness and thoughtlessness aside, for couples like Nasser and Catherine, it is not the censure of strangers that hurts most. The disapproval of family and friends, they say, is what’s so painful. “Before we decided to get married,
Catherine and I ended our relationship on more than one occasion because of the initial reaction of her family,” says Nasser.

While some feel that same-culture marriages do not guarantee a lifetime of happiness, neither does marrying outside the community. That, too, can carry a steep price. Consequences range from being denied by their families, deprived of their inheritances and treated as outsiders. Acceptance comes begrudgingly and often only after a long time.

“Yes, I married outside of culture and religion,” Patricia said. “My mother-in-law has tried to make me change my beliefs on many occasions. Nevertheless my family has always been very accepting of my husband, but I highly suspect it is because he eats Tante Josette’s tabouli and Tante Renee’s baklava. On the other hand I was never fully accepted.”

Consciously or unconsciously, we bring our own background into all of our encounters. We may have only superficial knowledge of our own identity, yet that is what we fall back on in times of stress. Marriage is a major lifestyle change likely to bring on a crisis of culture. To lose your cultural identity is to be deprived of the one comfort that can best help you through difficult times.
68 percent of those surveyed agree that each partner must assimilate the other’s background and beliefs for a truly successful marriage. And 64 percent recognized that their parents or preceding generations are at the root of resistance.

Both the bride and groom’s families must resolve issues they may have with the marriage, and each should be prepared to accept the “different” husband or wife. Parents need to adapt to social change and give their children the gift of freedom, if they truly desire the best for them. Unfortunately, it’s easier to stick to “this is how I was raised” and “society mandates it.”

The obvious question, then: Why do couples who know they will risk acceptance, take a chance on the heartache that living against the social grain can bring? Why invite trouble instead of finding someone to love within their own cultures?

The answer, say those who have crossed the lines to marry, is simple. Because they are in love and because, for them, love is blind—culture blind. They share the same outlook and complete each other.

Most reports after the shock of the announcement wears off, and when both share the same beliefs, everything else falls into place just like other marriages do.

As Ahmad puts it, “Our love is bigger than life. It’s magical. It has to do with divine guidance and celestial intervention. To me, Susan is the goddess of light, and from the moment I saw her I simply had no chance.”